The Road Ahead: Flowers to My Heart

Photo Credits: Djemima Duvernat

I am sure that we have all heard the famous "everything happens for a reason," but I wonder who the genius behind that was. I would love to meet them and subsequently get some explanations along the way, too.

Being a college student is one of the strangest experiences of my life so far. I mean, there was a time when I could not wait to be here, but there was never a time when I longed to be an adult. Life took care of that for me, and before I knew it, I was an adult trying to have a childhood. How strange is that? Some days, I wonder if I can give it all back, but then it dawned on me that I literally never asked for it. Kind of what it means to be a woman these days, a constant broken record of "I never asked for this," and yet here we are.

So, let's talk about what being an adult means: having my life together or paying my own bills? Does being an adult mean taking the high road or forgiving and forgetting? Some say, "don't let your childlike spirit die," but I sometimes feel like the people who say that have had the sweetest childhood, even if that is probably not true. I am not saying every thought that has ever crossed my mind has been a sane one. Being sane is overrated; we are all walking around being held together by coffee and duct tape, and some of us survive on energy drinks and prayers. I have not transitioned to energy drinks yet, mostly because of this deep fear that I will destroy my heart. Which is quite ironic when you think about today's dating world, where it is mostly all of us giving up our hearts to literal toddlers.

It seems to be a trend to have a significant other, like everyone and their cousins seem to have someone. Then there's me; happier in my room with a book and a glass of water that I sip on like it is wine; at least until I am old enough to have the actual thing. I am wondering what chapter I missed. I must have stopped listening when they covered this during orientation. It is not like I have never had my heart broken before, yet still, I have never had a boyfriend. I have, however, had my heart broken enough by men to wonder: how do I love again? How do I forgive? How do I even let them past my walls?

Nevertheless, if I am being honest, there are days when I feel this very strong urge to have a boyfriend. I know, I know. I just said I was happy sipping my water, but feelings are not always consistent, and neither am I. I think it is a fear of missing out (FOMO) if I am being real with myself. Everyone seems to be building something with someone, and some days I wonder if I am missing out on something beautiful. 

But then I come back to reality, and I think about the fact that I have been getting my heart broken for free and entirely without asking for it. No relationship, no label, no explanation, just damage, courtesy of men who did not even have the decency to earn the right to hurt me. So, the real question is: should I really choose to hand my heart to a stranger? Because at this rate, loving someone on purpose feels like the bravest and most terrifying thing I could ever do.

So, what does love look like to me? Honestly, if we are going there, I would love a finance man, a trust fund, six feet tall, and blue eyes. But let’s be realistic, they were probably all claimed after that song went viral It is nothing to them or me; we are just two parallel lines that will never meet, and I have made my peace with that. Joking aside, I think what I really want is something quiet. Something that won’t cost me my sanity before it even begins. 

I want love that feels like safety, not a gamble.