University Welcomes ‘Administrative Storytellers’ to Marketing Department

SATIRE

West Haven, April 1 2026 - The University of New Haven announced the appointment of two new support staff in the early afternoon, Wednesday. President Frederiksen says the role will improve communication between students and faculty in executive leadership. Students can expect to meet these eager faculty in Fall 2026.

Following a comprehensive search through industry channels, Charles Ponzi Sheen and B. Leeve Ables have both been appointed as “Administrative Storytellers” in the university Office of Marketing and Communications. Each of the two cite expertise in narrative nonfiction & historical fiction writing for application in human resources.

Ables has worked for 35 years in early childhood education, teaching kindergarten children social and emotional learning. His recent writing experience at the Onion newsletter placed Ables high on the list of candidates for this role. Both Ables and Ponzi received B.S. Political Science degrees from Yale University and Florida Memorial University.

Ponzi has been praised for his clear, conscientious and oxymoronic prose in Spectacular Business Management Magazine (2015), readable at SBMM.com. Ponzi boasts a rich philanthropic career, donating his best strategically ambiguous writing samples to artificial intelligence corporations as training data.

The announcement included a brief glimpse at how Ables and Ponzi will be working in the Office of Marketing and Communication. Students inquiring about systemic changes in administration, personnel matters, proper usage of doors and accessways, diversity, equity, inclusion or accessibility and belonging, will be encouraged to email the “Admin Answers” contact in Microsoft Outlook, or send a text chat to the administrative storytellers in the university Navigate portal. One of either Ponzi or Ables will respond according to their professional availability and office hours, not disclosed at this time.

President Frederiksen explained his mindset while creating these appointee positions to Horseshoe Magazine. “That old classical literature is very dear to my heart,” said Pres. Frederiksen, “You see we live in a global world. That should say enough on its own.. of how essential it is to speak plainly to students.” We are happy to share some of President Frederiksen’s favorite reading here.

The president has spoken to “every single staff member at the university” about these impactful decisions. “I was very excited to show off my little-known quintillingualism. I’m a true polyglot to boot.” said Pres. Frederiksen. The university president claimed to speak fluent Uzbek, Mongolian, Python and Afrikaans.

The President also said these discussions with staff were at a different campus, and subject to university staff confidentiality policies. Married or otherwise romantically committed staff members have declined to comment, as well.

We contacted David Cranshaw, director of communications and public relations for the university, to understand how these two writers will be involved with the Charger Bulletin and student engagement. Horseshoe’s Gabriella Pinto, executive editor, received an automatic reply from the Office of Marketing and Communications, disclosing that “certain positions are being reviewed for consolidation at this time, as the university addresses unforeseen challenges in the global education industry.”

While searching for clarification on the meaning of this message, Abigail Riggins, managing editor of the Horseshoe Magazine, has allegedly seen a faint, “wisp-like” and “mildly-irritated” vision of Cranshaw in her daydreams.

Further details such as who is in what position have yet to be released, however students are encouraged to become familiar with their new faculty mentors and see how they can help for Fall semester ‘26.

(Images of “Able” and “Ponzi” used for this article are in fair use, and credited to Shuttershock)