The Academic Cliffhanger, My Letters from the Edge

The following poem is one of many reflections and feelings that I had during my academic process. This article “The Academic Cliffhanger, My Letters from the Edge” may continue to be a miniseries of my reflections through letters and poems.

The 10 Stages of My Numbness:

I wear a dreaded face and walk with it on

I look like a zombie, I'm turning into one

I can't feel anymore, what if I bit off my tongue?

Listing all my stages of becoming numb

Two things I lost, work ethic and motivation

I miss those times where I valued devotion

Why can't I be the same person that I was?

Listing all my stages of becoming numb

I know it's a cliché but three things must be told

I wear a mask, but it’s just for show

I laugh to hide, cover un-blown

And I pretend your entertainment is so fun, while

Listing all my stages of becoming numb

For years I hated how I couldn't stop the flow

My crying went wherever I’d go

Now I couldn't cry a single tear again

And just lie awake all night in my bed

I now wish I could cry for fun - rather than

Listing all my stages of becoming numb

Your words couldn't hurt me if they tried

Her words make me cry five thousand more times

I’ve become resistant and your words sound dumb

Listing all my stages of becoming numb

I miss how 2020 used to be

Life through six gray lenses is now all I see

I wonder where the lenses came from

Listing all my stages of becoming numb

At what point did these feelings come to be

Where the only hope is to the Lord, only to thee

I scream, beg and pray O Lord please help me

Not even knowing if you’d hear a thing

Please bring down seven blessings from above

Listing all my stages of becoming numb

I give a declaration today,

I haven’t eaten because the present filled me with dismay,

The future, the only thing i’ll live for nowadays

I stamp this saying with the print of my thumb

Listing all my stages of becoming numb

Everyday I switch from reality to my fantasy future

Sleep for nine hours after a nap still in my school shirt

People are worried but I’m never stunned

Listing all my stages of becoming numb

Today you’ve watched how I’ve become numb

Another lifeless human by her lonesome

Watch out for symptoms, every last one

So that when listing all the stages, I’d be the last one

And if I ever ruin the bright person that you might become

You would be my tenth stage of becoming numb.

This poem was written based on a constant feeling I had. My younger self had always been a very emotional person and it was easy for me to cry. Going through my challenges at home felt as if I could only anticipate for the worst to continue because hoping for the best was no longer worth it. I came to a point of numbness where I couldn’t cry at all. The thought of everything was overwhelming but my sense of hopelessness and being unable to change the situation overpowered how my emotions normally reacted. There have been many times where I just wished that I could cry at least once or shed a tear, but I just couldn't. I couldn't even force it out. I had never felt that way before and I hated it.

I told myself that I couldn't walk around looking sad or defeated either. It could cause people to question my change in demeanor. I didn't want to have people in my life know what I was going through. Even though I’d put on a smile, it didn't actually reflect how I felt during those times. And the last thing that I wanted was to feel as if I was dumping my problems onto anyone else, so I kept them bottled up for myself.

I could no longer just sit with this feeling anymore; it's not who I was and it isn't who I wanted to be. I wrote the poem as my first step to fixing the problem, realizing it and addressing it. Looking back at it now, I think I did the right thing. It fully captured who I felt in what I thought was a creative way. I made 10 different stages of my numbness and was able to portray how it affected my emotions, expressions, my work flow, the people around, things that I’ve missed and even my spiritual life. And then I chose to end on the note of warning the reader of the symptoms. At the very end I was worried that by telling you this would be putting all my troubles onto the reader, causing them to worry and eventually making you become numb to your situations. Which the whole poem is warning you to not do.