Education spending and digital resources pay off, student intelligence shown to double

Photo by Azam Hostetler

SATIRE

Young adults truly have made the most of knowledge being at their fingertips in the current digital age, and now that I’ve well established myself in university life, it really does show. 

American standards of education are strong, given that we spend so much money on it in this country; in fact, a lot more than many other countries do. Connecticut is even ranked near the top in public education spending in comparison to other states, despite relying mostly on local funds, which may or may not subsequently reflect stark income inequality. 

Recent innovations in artificial intelligence make for easy research gathering, and this subsequently frees up students’ minds by allowing them to focus on other intellectual goals. These include habits of hitting textbooks for casual re-reads or chatting with strangers about philosophy in dormitory lounges. Having outgrown impulses of instant gratification learned from childhood, in favor of persistent trial and error in the grand pursuit of personal growth and global curiosity, I barely see students using AI to cheat. 

Additionally, since the noble spirit of Classical Athens is imbued in a tremendous amount of our Western values and significant architecture, it makes sense that we also take their competency of rigorous learning to heart. By the time students get to college, students interested in English are well versed in Shakespearean tragedies or global perspectives of human history dating back to even before the birth of Christ.

Students expressing interest in the humanities are given ample resources to flourish, given that we spend so much money on education. Digital citations must be credible articles or peer-reviewed publications for assignments, lest misinformation spread. Many schools also start kids reading and writing early, so that it becomes a habit, getting them addicted to curiosity and learning as opposed to YouTube shorts.

I’ve been told that numerous countries around the globe outperform America in high school mathematics, which confused me when I first heard it. However, I’m also fairly certain they’re a lot more stressed out, given the strict level of discipline. A lot of those students overseas seem pushed to the brink of academic exhaustion, I feel, whereas here we encourage young adults to maintain a healthy balance of social life and studious habits.

Smartphones act as pocket dictionaries for many young adults. Yesterday, a classmate of mine who had just returned from the gym spoke of perspiration exuding from his garments and how he must return home to fetch Old Spice hastily. You see, so much knowledge is readily available that adolescent vocabulary has expanded tenfold in the past decade.

Instead of getting mad at the television, many students take handwritten notes on Fox News and CNN and cite ‘Orwellian politics,’ before browsing sites such as the Associated Press and afterwards debating with other students’ disagreements. 

Students also have the privilege of accessible mental health resources, which allow people of all walks of life to express their troubles and function better socially and societally. Its effects have been proven by science, which, as a result of its credibility as an outlet, fuels them to flock towards therapy despite fear.

Classes like Personal Finance, Modern Cybersecurity defense, The US Healthcare System 101 and Basics of Car Mechanics are mandatory in college. This is to ensure that no one misses important life skills, lest they ever get taken advantage of, they shall be armed with knowledge. Additionally, by the time students in America progress to the level of university education, we make sure they are not required to take core classes. The reasoning is that they have already taken them in high school, and despite some mandatory programs which sponsors deem necessary, most of the experience is catered to mastering their chosen career craft of special interest. 

Phones are used as tools, not crutches. Smartphone alerts are encouraged to be perceived as helpful rather than stressful. In other words, accessibility features like grayscale, monitored usage, proper nightly routines and scheduled detox times ensure that electronics are not abused yet still utilized for benefit. Students are able to read news articles and audio books or ebooks to absorb culture on the go. Most people aren’t concerned with gossip about celebrities, as they know that they don’t impact their life, nor do unhealthy body standards, as we encourage students to remember that comparison to others is the thief of joy. 

With constant access to computers and young adults absorbing so much knowledge at once, some have quite literally doubled their brain size throughout four years, according to several universities conducting intelligence censuses. An acquaintance of mine at college woke up with a neurological growth spurt after a chemical engineering lecture that was particularly awe-inspiring. I spotted her in the hallways with a forehead mass that I’d never seen before. 

To address income inequality and different backgrounds in education, schools in America use equity to counter inevitable issues such as learning disabilities, tutoring, finances and stressful home life. They even provide proper counseling services. 

Another huge issue is teaching shortages, which is a critical issue to overcome; necessary to ensure classroom attendance is sizable enough to where their individual voice can still be heard. To achieve a substantial number of qualified professionals, especially at the higher education level, funds are allocated for proper salaries and resources to avoid staff burnout and increase professor appreciation. 

Faculty of diverse backgrounds are sought after, especially in areas of need for multilingual student support, as despite controversial federal immigration crackdowns, the Department of Education understands the value of supporting human growth as a long-term investment. Devastating funding freezes for the Department of Education have been countered by an abundance of local billionaires, who thankfully stepped in to save public education in many K-12 schools nationwide.

Overall, I am grateful to live in a system where taxpayer dollars are used on the correct and most efficient uses of the funds to create intelligent and well-rounded young adults who feel confident to take on the world that previous generations destroyed. Many classes also avoided having tests worth 50% of your semester grade, instead diversifying assignments with helpful point-based grading systems. They also answer emails on time. Responding to emails is very important for effective communication in professional and higher-level academic scenarios. 

All these loans taken out for college tuition are ultimately paying off for me and many others who are excited to enter the growing job market. Thanks to the internet for making me smarter and not trying to take advantage of my attention span, I’ll have to say. Thanks for the recommended annual college student bias test to see what I need to work on in my global perspective, as well as my eight hours of sleep without melatonin. Over and out.