The Great Puzzle of Airplane Meals

Getting hungry comes with the territory when you’re traveling. After TSA, passengers find themselves with various snack vendors and restaurants in the airline terminal. If you choose not to indulge in a sit-down meal, you embark on a journey in the aircraft and begin a battle with their selection of food.

We’ve all heard the joke, “How about that airline food?” Well, how about it?

The biggest question we all need an answer to is: Where does it come from? I think the only thing that compares to it is school lunches. Whoever is cooking these pre-loaded meals has never fine-dined. We should not be continuing these recipes, just as the Scream series should’ve ended in the ’90s. Is it worth the risk to eat on the plane now, knowing you had the choice of Five Guys back on the ground? I bet not.

Let’s also address the elephant in the room — those portions feed baby birds. They serve the same portion sizes as Nobu in LA, except Nobu has a reason to charge $60 a plate. Spirit Airlines does not.

As you sit down with your meal, let’s survey this plate. We listen, and we don’t judge. Do you have a protein or meat selection on this spread? Does it look like it came from an animal or plant? If not, I hope it tastes like it did. This is a real gamble we’re taking here, friends. I’m wondering if these carrots are Play-Doh that’s a few days old or the orange gem itself.

Wait — were those mashed potatoes on the menu, or did they find paper-mâché leftovers? With so many assortments, thankfully, we have seasonings! The tricky part here, folks, is tracking down those flight attendants to give you some love with the salt and pepper packets. Seasoning is not an option; it’s an obligation. If you find paprika, you’re living the high life.

No one is judging you while you become an acrobat trying to maneuver the eating tray. That thing takes longer to unfold than it does to let you operate in peace. Your cutlery is also from the Easy-Bake set you had at age 6, so don’t expect a miracle from that. You may find yourself exhibiting primal skills when cutting open that mystery meat you chose. Oh, and that dessert you were questioning? It’s not food. It’s a self-defense mechanism because those Biscoff cookies haven’t been out of those pantries in eons.

I think we can all agree this is an adventure on its own.

Let yourself sleep well at night knowing the people in first class are eating the same school lunch you’re eating right now. The only difference is they get a fancy tray that’s been washed once every three days — if no spills find their way. You’ve also now touched something that a celebrity has! Wash those paws, though — germs do exist!

One thing first class has on you is their selection of all-inclusive drinks. This also means that by the time that fifth glass of rosé comes, they won’t care if it’s carrots or a Lego. Yay for them! And for you, because dinner and a show never hurt anyone! Get those phones ready — you’re either going to be famous or a person of interest.

By this point in your flight, hopefully, you’re regretting your choice to eat this food. Five Guys was always the better option. Don’t worry, that “jet lag” is going to kick in soon enough. For the sake of you, your pants, and the whole plane, leaving is usually quick. I would refrain from that turbulent walk of shame to the bathrooms on the plane. This action could be the most fatal flaw.

I think airline food is made to set us up for failure. After we leave our flight, those attendants smile, knowing we just had the most nuclear food ever. But now the airports are making a quick dime off your Pepto-Bismol purchase. Yikes!

As we return to the land of the sane and reasonable — because you finished that meal — I hope we’ve learned. The only time you need that airline food is when you haven’t seen the bathroom in some time. It’s always a great puzzle to travel, but it’s an even greater one why people still eat airline food.