Sitting Down with a Local Cat Celebrity

SATIRE

Pip Iguana Pinto, local pawfluencer, is making the rounds in headlines. Just as in previous times, she’s not sorry. I had the opportunity to sit down with Pinto to get more insight on the situation and to learn more about how she’s processing her fame.

A new men’s litterbox was added to the first floor of the Pinto Tower. Although the litterbox Pinto uses has been on the second floor for years, with her own special door that only Pinto can go through, the star had to try out the men’s litterbox when it was added.

“It’s new,” Pinto says.

This is nothing out of the ordinary for the feline celebrity. One of her previous antics was peeing on the carpet because she was in a onesie and “didn’t feel like walking to the box.” She also went viral after being caught on video licking cat treats on display at a PetSmart and not paying for them.

The star-studded kitten takes a second to collect her thoughts before she continues: “And another thing! The new box is stainless steel. Mine is plastic. It’s tiny. Meanwhile, the men’s box is like the size of a mansion. Why do male cats always get the better option? I think it’s sexist.”

Pinto views using the men’s litterbox as an act of rebellion. She wants better conditions for women’s litterboxes. Stainless steel should be for everybody. She’s telling the patriarchy to back off. She doesn’t care about rules or expectations. Pinto will pee wherever she pleases.

There’s a sudden disturbance during the interview when the paparazzi start banging on the window. They must have realized Pinto was here when they saw her custom Range Rover with the pawprint headlights. Flashes of light keep shining into the room as Pinto tries to keep her composure. “Pip! We love you! Can we get a picture?” a man with a camera asks, screaming from behind the window.

Pinto sticks up her middle paw pad. Her manager walks over to the window and closes the curtains. After that, Pinto gets up and uses the curtains to sharpen her claws. She mentions that she hasn’t gotten her claws done in a while so she’s been forced to take care of them herself. She sits back down to continue the interview.

“I hate when that happens,” Pinto says. “ They’re like vultures. They have no consideration for other people.”

She pulls out a cigarette and puts it in her mouth, waiting for her manager to come over with the lighter. We start to discuss how she’s been processing her recent surge in popularity. She’s quiet for a moment, but then begins to open up.

“I won’t lie. It’s been pretty challenging,” Pinto says while twirling the cigarette around in her paw. She makes a sniffling noise. “If I go anywhere, someone is bound to know who I am. I love the attention, but I also miss the anonymity.” 

The cat starts speaking in a softer tone.

“Before all this, I was just another brown tabby,” Pinto says. “No one would even give me a second look if I passed by them on the sidewalk. Now, I can’t even go outside. I miss it.” Let it be known that prior to her quick rise to fame, Pinto was raised as a strictly indoor cat.

Moving onto the topic of the future, the sky is the limit for Pinto. She explains that she never wants to stay in just one lane. 

“That’s for losers who only have one talent,” Pinto says. Her goal is to conquer the entire world. She won’t stop until she is a household name. “I’m talking about movies, shows, record deals, books and of course, a podcast. That’s the ultimate dream,” Pinto says with hope laced in her voice.

The last time we had as notorious a feline pop culture multi-hyphenate was the famous Grumpy Cat. That cat was on every talk show known to man. She even had a Christmas movie where Aubrey Plaza played her. I ask if Pinto pulls any of her inspiration from the kitty with a permanent frown. There’s a pause and a look of confusion.

 “Who? I’ve never heard of her,” Pinto says. “Then again, I wouldn’t know much from the olden days. I’m pretty young.”

Finding no ashtray, Pinto puts the cigarette out on her manager’s arm. Reaching the end of our time together, I ask Pinto if she has any advice for other cats who want to make it into the business. She takes off her sunglasses and stares directly into my eyes.

 “No matter what they do, they’ll never be as successful as me. Because no one can ever be me. There’s only one ‘Pip.’ Well, except for that chipmunk from that one Disney movie. That’s who I’m named after,” Pinto says.

“Nevertheless, I dare them to try.”