Is there a line between building character and scaring your child?

While discipline is essential in shaping a child’s character, it should never come at the expense of instilling anxiety or fear. Parents need to balance authority with guidance to foster growth rather than apprehension. I never really thought about this until I had some late-night discussions with friends or came across a related article on my Apple News feed. But this question is complex and relevant, I feel, especially now. As a collective, as a world, and even more so as a nation, our emotions are even more developed. Humans are always evolving, but does this always mean progress? 

Are there ever consequences?

Growing up, my childhood wasn’t bad; it was similar to that of other kids my age. I went to school, played sports, joined a club or two, and lived in a home where my parents sometimes argued—something that’s normal for families and everyday people like you reading this.

I picked fights with one parent more than the other because I felt like, sometimes, the things that parents said needed to be challenged. Audacious for a kid to do, I know. I've always been outspoken. I continue to challenge people today because constructive challenges create learning opportunities for both sides. Without them, growth isn’t possible.

It’s our parents' first time living and being parents, but when you’re the parent and I’m the kid, it feels like my actions should be judged less harshly. You’ve lived the child’s life already; my mistakes are my first time experiencing them. At times, situations were handled differently than I would have if I were a parent. 

This brings me to the question: Where is the line between building character and scaring your children? As children, we can all recall a moment or memory that stuck with us and followed us into adulthood. Did that experience build you up and make you a better person? Or did you silently sit with it and vow you’d never become your parents?

And no one talks about the fact that it should be okay to stand up for yourself if you don’t like something. Let us normalize voicing our opinions—even if it’s to a teacher, partner, or boss. We are all human, and we all have stories, but your voice should always be heard. This brings me to the broader discussion of parenting styles and why they’re so important.

I think the similarities between constructive parenting (constructive choices) and authoritative parenting are not talked about enough. The baseline is the same, and so are the expected outcomes. One, however, promotes constructive challenge learning.

Parenting types:

Constructive Parenting: defined as a “child-rearing strategy where parents provide the child with options when making decisions.” In layman’s terms, it allows children to be involved in decision-making in their everyday activities while still maintaining choices that are positive and safe.

Authoritative Parenting: defined as “strict rules, high standards, and punishment to regulate the child’s behavior.” Authoritarian parents have high expectations and are not flexible with them. The children might not even know a rule is in place until they’re punished for breaking it.

While constructive parenting encourages critical thinking, independence, and emotional intelligence, authoritarian parenting can sometimes lead to fear-driven compliance rather than a positive learning experience. The question now becomes: Which approach better prepares children for adulthood? Do strict rules instill discipline, or do they suppress a child’s ability to navigate challenges on their own without the reinforcement of a parent?

Both parenting styles aim for the same result, but as children, we experience something called the “zone of proximal development,” which plays a crucial role in our early years. It is “the difference between what a learner can do without help and what they can do with guidance and encouragement from a skilled partner.” Growing up, the way my parents handled situations shaped how I navigate life. Sometimes, I follow their approach, and other times, I take a different path. I recognize the tendencies I’ve gained, but I take pride in being open and fostering direct communication with others.

For some parents, building resilience in their child is the only way to parent. But is this generational trauma, or is it simply evolving parenting methods? I implore you to think about fear-based parenting—if your parents used it on you, remember how it made you feel. That’s exactly how your children feel when they look to you for support.

Parenting isn’t about control; it’s about guidance. By fostering open communication rather than fear, we empower children to become strong, independent thinkers.

Concluding on my views, I'll tell you this was merely just a shower thought I had recently, but it plagued my mind. I was compelled to dive a little deeper into it. Here we are again, living through yet another 2 AM perspective.