Families are complicated

Contributing Writer

Gabriella Pinto

Gabriella Pinto will be working as the Managing Editor for the Fall 2025

The definition of the word “family” is “the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children,” according to Merriam-Webster. 

But families are complicated. What about half-siblings? And can you still call someone a member of your family even if you’re estranged?

My half-brother taught me how to swim. He’d appear frequently in old photo albums, sitting beside me as I blew out the candles on my birthday cake.

My half-sister and I had a tenser relationship. I once kicked her in the face while we were in the pool together. We had our issues, but I still had some great memories with her. Looking back, I could see pictures of us holding my cat Cookie when he was just a kitten.

According to Ancestry.com, half-siblings only share 25% of their DNA. This is because 50% of their DNA comes from the shared parent. I didn’t care about the science. I always called them my brother and sister and never thought of them otherwise.

But I haven’t seen either of them since I was 8 years old.

Before I turned 8, they lived with their mother but still visited our father. After my eighth birthday, the visits became less frequent.

Two years later, my mom and I moved in with her parents. She filed a restraining order against my father because of domestic violence. Contact with my half-siblings had fizzled out by then.

My parents divorced and my mother got sole custody of me.

Sometimes, I felt alone. While my mother was my best friend, I envied friends who had siblings with whom they could go to the movies or the store.

Once, I remember watching my cousins fight. That was normal for them, but I got upset watching. One of my cousins looked at me and said, “Gabriella, you just don’t get it because you don’t have a sister.”

I ran away and cried.

I did have a sister. Didn’t I? Did she even think of me as a sister anymore? And what about my brother?

As I got older, I always kept the two of them in the back of my mind. This was partly because I felt lonely, but another part was that I wanted someone else to talk to about the trauma my father caused.

In Psychology Today , Ellen Hendriksen said, “Whether it’s validation, understanding, being seen, or empathy, talking with someone (or many someones) who gets it rids survivors of feelings of isolation.”

I went to therapy during the divorce process, but I felt like I could have benefited more from talking to people who had similar experiences with people like my father. But I don’t even know if they would view their childhoods the same way. My half-siblings were only two years apart, and I was nine years younger than my half-brother and seven years younger than my half-sister.

There are times where each sibling will have a different narrative and overall assessment of their childhood. This is because they can have vastly different experiences and perspectives.

This may be because of differences in treatment or having a big age difference. Maybe one of my half-siblings would acknowledge the abuse and the other might think it wasn’t as bad as I saw it.

This is one reason I haven’t tried to contact them. I followed my half-brother on Instagram, which took courage, considering he blocked my mother. Once I saw that he didn’t block me, I thought I could try to talk to him.

I sent him a message telling him how proud I was of him. He did end up responding, but it was a simple “thank you,” so I left it alone.

I missed my chance of seeing them when my Nonna, our father’s mother, died. They held the funeral in state, but I was afraid to see them after more than a decade of no contact. I have no idea how they would have responded to me, or my mother. We decided to send flowers instead.

I don’t think I could be close with someone who wants nothing to do with my mother. I look at her as the person who saved me, while I think my father’s side of the family blames her for the situation. I know I can’t say that for certain since I haven’t spoken to them, but that’s what it feels like.

There’s a part of me that wonders how often my half-siblings think about me. Does my name ever come up in their conversations? Have they tried to look me up as I’ve done with them?

I recently saw on my LinkedIn that someone with a name similar to my half-brother’s had viewed my profile. It even had the location of a town he used to work in. It was probably fake, but it still makes me wonder if I ever cross his mind.

Even though I have these unresolved questions, it’s easier for me to just imagine what it would be like to have them in my life because then there’s no chance of being sabotaged by my own expectations. And I don’t want to ruin the perception I had of them when I was younger.

Business Insider says that people tend to think of siblings as “ready-made playmates and lifelong friends,” but that isn’t always the case. Just because “blood is thicker than water,” it doesn’t mean you have to force a relationship.

They are adults now. I might scroll through my half-brother’s Instagram to feel somewhat closer to him, but I don’t know him anymore. I might hear my half-sister’s voice in the background of one of his videos, but it is no longer familiar to me. They are strangers now, and the only mention of my existence might be in old photographs, or in the lines of their obituaries when they pass away.

Families are complicated. Maybe that’s just the way it has to be.

Image by Wonita on Pixabay