Kids

“I am never going to have children” is something I’ve always said whenever the subject was brought up. I made the permanent decision at the old age of 12 for two reasons: children annoyed me and I wanted to fit in with my friends who felt the same way.

The thought of them crying, puking and having to discipline them scared the living daylights out of me. I’ve also always connected the idea of having children to losing my freedom. My life would be over once I brought a new one into the world because I would have to prioritize that life instead. I wouldn’t get to only think about myself.

Much to my mother’s disappointment, this mindset stayed with me throughout high school and into my first semester of college. Then at the beginning of 2023, she asked if I would want to work for the before-school program at the school she worked at.

My initial reaction was hesitation. I just got done with waking up at the crack of dawn in high school. I had no interest in doing it again. I also never liked trying new things because the unknown freaked me out. You can’t predict the outcome of an experience when you have no idea what to expect in the first place. My mind was racing with possible negative outcomes.

What if the kids hate me? What if I let them do something they’re not supposed to because I didn’t know the rules yet? What if one of them got hurt on my watch because I didn’t notice they were doing something dangerous? The list of cons went on and on.

The one pro I thought of was that I’d be with my mother. The person who would be showing me the ropes would be someone who understands how I prefer to learn new things. I tend to feel more comfortable around her. Plus, she’d be a familiar face in a sea of unfamiliarity.

I ended up taking the job. Only because I needed the money and the hours would work well for my college schedule! I still had no excitement over the children.

I remember the first day. I walked into the empty multi-purpose room with anticipation. I had no idea what was going to happen during those two hours. As the kids kept filing in, they would stop and sit at the table I was at because they wanted to ask me questions. They all liked my mother, so there was a bit of curiosity there. 

For the remainder of the day, I walked around and tried to insert myself into conversations with the kids so they would get to know me. Then, I was coerced into playing sharks and minnows. I never thought that was a game that children played outside of the pool.

The two hours came to an end and I was left out of breath and unsure.

After that day, I didn’t know if working with children would be something that I actually liked to do. I didn’t feel like I connected with any of the kids. But what I failed to realize at that moment was that the children weren't going to want to play with me unless they knew I was going to be there consistently.

Once they kept seeing me on a regular basis, the experience was different.

As time went on, I had certain kids that wanted to play with me whenever I was there. I was playing card games, Battleship, Uno and Guess Who. Sometimes, I even indulged in what one of the kids called “grandma basketball.” That’s where you basically play basketball like an old person.

Before starting my job, I believed that none of the kids would even care that I was there. By the end of that school year, I had kids that would want to sit on my lap and would call me their mom. And I wasn’t fully freaked out by that. I almost felt chosen. It made me feel like I was good at my job.

There’s another part that I loved.

I felt like there was a part of me that came out at Before-Care that I’ve had to restrain as I’ve gotten older. Life is more serious now and it’s great to be able to escape for those two hours and behave like a kid again.

I don’t have to minimize my reactions to things. I could nerd out about my interests. The kids would excitedly beg me to show them pictures of my cats. If I randomly started speaking in a British accent, they would join in.

I started to have traditions with certain kids. Every time I would see this one kindergartener, we would have a different nickname for each other. Whenever I would see her parents’ car in the drop-off area, I would run to the door so I could be the one to greet her first.

12-year-old me would be shocked at the person I have become. I used to loathe the idea of being around children and now, honestly, Before-Care is my favorite part of the day. Because of this job, I’ve faced my fears.

I’ve seen one of the kids I am closest to start to bawl her eyes out over someone ripping the bookmark that her dad made for her. Instead of freaking out, my heart broke for her and all I wanted to do was help her feel better.

I’ve watched a kid throw up right in front of me. I’ve had kids talk back to me, which led to me disciplining them. If they wouldn’t listen to me, they’d have to deal with my mother’s wrath.

And while I’ve always thought having kids meant my life would be over, I realized the more important part: I could help make their lives better.