I miss you Brian, but I’m staying strong. I’m staying strong for you and for Lizzy. I can’t look weak in front of her, especially without you being here. If I didn’t have to see you today I would stare at the last picture of us and Lizzy at the cabin all day. I miss that day. Just you, me, and her. Speaking of, where is she?
“Lizzy? Baby, are you ready?” I call out to her from the living room and wait for her to respond. I don’t hear her say anything back but I can still hear the sink running in the bathroom. I hope the dress fits right or she’ll definitely throw a fit. We’re already running late as is and it’s my own fault. I should’ve gone to bed earlier like I planned.
I look back at the picture, needing to look at him again. Just for another second. His beautiful dark brown eyes matched the color of his short hair and trimmed beard. Lizzy has his eyes, his smile, and his heart. All she got from me is her temper. I kiss my hand and place it on the framed picture hanging neatly in the center of our wall before walking away.
Once I get into the hallway, I can faintly hear the sound of Lizzy’s electric toothbrush running as she brushes her teeth. My black heels click against the wood flooring as I get closer to the bathroom door. Right as I’m about to knock, the door flies open.
“Mom, look! I brushed my teeth like a big girl.” She smiles hard to make sure I can see all of her teeth. She points proudly at the gap where her two front teeth are supposed to be. I can’t help but smile a little at the way she poses on her stepstool while smiling like that.
“Mom?” Her smile fades as she places her toothbrush in its place. Right next to her dad’s.
“I don’t really like this color.” In an instant, her midnight black dress contorts and transforms into a fluffy baby blue dress.
“No, no, no, baby. We can’t wear that right now. Do you think you can change it back? Please.” My voice is shaking. I kneel down and rub my hand on her back as she looks in the mirror.
“But mom, look! Now we can match.” I quickly stand up and look at myself in the mirror. The long black dress I’d borrowed from Mom was now the same blue as Lizzy’s. With bright blue eyeshadow to match. I gasp before quickly putting my hand over my mouth. I look down at Lizzy and she’s looking up at me with a plain expression on her face. Waiting for me to say something. I close my eyes and take a breath before looking back at her.
“I love it Lizzy. I really do. But we’re going to go see Dad today and we need to wear the other dresses.” She looks away from me and looks at herself in the mirror. Crossing her arms as she does so. I tilt my head to look at her through the mirror.
“I don’t want to. That dress makes me sad.”
I hang my head and allow my hair to cover my face completely. How do I explain this is what we have to do to a five year old? We can’t show up there like this.
“Mom?” She gets on her tiptoes and moves my brown hair like curtains so she could see my face again. I sniffle slightly before standing straight and looking down at her.
“What’s up Ms. Marvel?” I laugh as I say it. I already know what’s coming next.
“It’s Marvel Girl!” She uncrosses her arms and playfully stomps on the stool.
“I know, I know silly. Turn around so I can do your hair.” She turns quickly but continues to stare at me as I pick up the brush and start brushing her hair.
“Yes Lizzy?” She smiles her gummy grin at me and turns around to face me.
“Can we stop at Leslie’s for lemonade?” I check my phone and it reads 10:40. We only have twenty minutes before we have to be at the funeral home. I don’t think we’d make it on time even if we actually used the highway.
“I don’t know if we have time, baby. Leslie’s might have to wait until after we see Dad. We haven’t even done your hair yet and–” She jumps off the stool and runs out of the bathroom at full speed. I quietly peek around the corner from the bathroom and see her run into her room. Her messily taped-on paintings on her door sway with the wind as she leaves her door open.
I take a long, drawn-out breath before walking over to her room. I tap softly on her doorframe before I look inside and see Lizzy putting on her favorite white shoes from her closet.
“Done. Can we go get lemonade now or what?” A second ago Lizzy was suffering from major bed-head and now her blonde hair is perfectly done into a high ponytail. It’s exactly how I would’ve done it. She’s holding her stuffed rabbit, Potatoes, as hard as she can. She always does this because she knows it wins me over. I rub my hands on my temples for a moment before it hits me.
“In the fridge! You still have some lemonade in your cup from yesterday, remember?”
“Oh yeah! I totally forgot. Thank you! Thank you!” She jumps up and down a few times before she throws Potato back on her bed. She runs over to me and quickly kisses me on my knee. I don’t even get a chance to bend down to kiss her head as she sprints over to the fridge and throws the door open.
“Yes! I found it, mama.” She holds up her Nebula’s Enforcer cup in achievement. Her favorite character from the game is plastered on the right side of the plastic cup. I can’t remember if it was Randy or Randall. Brian was always better with that kind of thing.
I close Lizzy’s bedroom door and quickly walk past the fridge to grab my purse hanging on the small metal hooks by the front door.
“You can bring your juice and head to the car now, baby.” I hold the door open for her as she continues to rummage through the fridge.
“Mom, wait! Should we bring this for Dad?” Lizzy closes the fridge door and holds out one of Brian’s beers. I have to resist flinching at the thought of his drinking being the cause of it all. I could’ve helped. I could’ve done something. Anything.
“No Lizzy, it’s okay. Dad won’t need one of those.” She tilts her head and gives me a look of confusion. Like she’s thinking hard about something.
“Oh…okay then.” The drink disappears from Lizzy’s hand and I hear a sudden clink in the fridge. The sound makes me jump even when I try to brace for it. She skips past me and out of the door to the jeep. Her dress flows around as she gets hit with the wind.
“Lizzy! We need to change back!” She’s already at the car by the time I try to speak. There’s no way I’m winning this one. Damnit.
I look around the house one more time. My eyes land on old pictures of me and Brian when we were in college. Right before he proposed. I wish I got rid of those bangs earlier. They really make me want to hide all of the pictures. But I can’t. Brian liked having them around so he could make fun of me and talk about how skinny he used to be. He was such a dweeb.
I close the front door and I’m met with a stiff autumn breeze. Lizzy doesn’t look at me as she repeatedly pulls the brown door handle of our jeep. I’m almost off the porch before I realize my mistake. I quickly step back inside the house and grab the keys off the hook. I open the jeep and Lizzy wastes no time jumping into the backseat.
“Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.” Lizzy holds the same tone as I enter the jeep. I close the car door and look into the rearview mirror where she’s sitting calmly in her booster seat.
“...I forgot what I was gonna say.” A genuine laugh slips out of me. I put the key into the ignition as the jeep turns on with multiple beeps. I look back at her through the rearview mirror, where a look of focus is all over her face.
“It’s okay Lizzy. Whenever you remember, just tell me okay?” She nods her head at me before looking out of her window. I turn on my phone to set up the GPS. The time reads 10:45.
“Oooooooo. You just said a bad word. I’ll take a quarter please.” I hear Lizzy shift in her seat as she turns back towards me.
“What? Oh–I’m sorry baby. I didn’t mean to be a potty mouth.” I reverse the jeep out of the gravel driveway. I start driving down the empty back roads towards the funeral home. I glance at the rearview mirror and I see Lizzy sitting with her eyes closed and her hand outstretched.
“Really? We were going to go all the way to Leslie’s to get you lemonade and this is how you repay me?” I smile because of how serious she’s taking this.
“Yup. You always tell Dad to do it.” As soon as my smile came, it left again. I dig around in my purse until I find a quarter. I reach one hand back with the quarter held in two fingers.
“You’re right. Here you go.” She quickly snatches the quarter from my fingers before stuffing it into her cupholder. I hear her turn to look out the window at the different colored trees as we swiftly pass them by.
I go straight for a long time before I turn on Fairview Ave. Bright highlighter green and orange lights fill the street with a road work sign blocking our path. The whole street is closed. I softly hit my head on the steering wheel a few times.
“What’s wrong mom?” I take a deep breath before looking up at the rearview mirror. Lizzy has her head tilted and is looking back and forth between me and the construction equipment.
“Nothing’s wrong. Don’t worry about anything.” I take off my seatbelt and turn in my seat so that I’m completely facing her.
“Remember how Dad took you on that big street with a lot of cars and it was really loud?”
Lizzy quickly nods her head in response.
“Well we’re going to have to take that street to get to where Dad is. Do you think you can be a big girl for me and be calm?”
Lizzy pauses. She takes a sip of lemonade and takes a long, exaggerated breath.
“Mhm. I can be a big girl.” I nod and give her a smile.
“Okay. Okay that’s good.” I turn back around and put my seatbelt on before reversing and heading to the highway.
It’s only a few minutes before I’m able to turn onto the highway. I look at the rearview mirror to see how Lizzy’s responding to all of the honking and sounds of cars roaring past and she’s sitting peacefully in her seat. Just watching but she’s okay. Thank god she’s okay.
“MOM!” She screams as I’m merging onto the left lane and it causes me to almost hit the wall.
“What’s wrong?!” I look back at the rearview mirror and she’s looking at me like she doesn’t know why I’m yelling.
“I remembered what I was gonna say earlier.”
“What’s up?” I feel my hands starting to sweat as I grip the steering wheel.
“Is Dad wearing a suit? I heard Grandma Rosie on the phone talking about Dad’s suit.” I swallow harshly in response. I feel the tension building with every quiet second.
“Yeah. Yeah he’ll be wearing his suit.”
“The one you said that he looks handsome in?”
“Mhm. That’s right baby.”
“Well, when we get there is he gonna be sitting? I want to sneak up on him and scare him. He always scares me too much.”
“No Lizzy. Dad’s going to be laying down.”
“Why? Is he sleeping?” I can barely see the cars in front of me through my hazy vision. I blink the tears away in an instant.
“Can we wake him up when we get there? I just wanted to show him my teeth. I think he would like it.”
“I think he would. He always–” A loud, ongoing honking behind me completely cuts me off. This dumbass must think I’m going too slow or something. I peer into the rearview mirror to see the small black sedan and the angry man driving it. Lizzy starts to scream while covering her ears.
Suddenly, the top of the sedan starts to inflate. Rising up as the car’s weight and gravity tries to deny the car floating. It rises like a hot air balloon and the man rolls the car window down.
“HELP ME! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.” He screams louder than I’ve ever heard anyone scream. I pull the car over and click my seatbelt off.
“Lizzy!” I try to pull her hands off her ears and she pulls my hands off her wrists.
“Baby listen to me. I need you to let the angry man down. I know he made a lot of noise and it scared you. But this isn’t how we solve this.” She looks up at me and takes her hands off her ears. She looks back in her carseat and up to the black sedan. She follows the car as it rises higher and higher in the air. All of the other cars on the highway have suddenly stopped to do the same.
“But he was mean to you.” She looks up at me and touches my hand.
“That doesn’t give you the right to be mean back. Like… Nebula’s Enforcer! In Nebula’s Enforcer they need to wear helmets in space right?” Lizzy’s face lights up at the mention of Nebula’s Enforcer.
“Yes! The space protectors can’t breathe without their space suits.” She says excitedly as I gently place my hand on her face.
“He doesn’t have a space suit right? I know you don't want him to get hurt for making a mistake.” Lizzy pauses for a moment. Then the man stops screaming. The car slowly falls down back to the highway right where it was before. I quickly put my seatbelt back on and speed off the highway towards the funeral home.
We pull into the parking lot at 11:11. My mom is standing outside the funeral home with her lit cigarette in hand. I get out of the car and hurriedly open Lizzy’s door. She promptly jumps out of her seat and onto the pavement.
“Did you not have your seatbelt on?” I whisper quietly enough so that my mom doesn’t hear me.
“You didn’t tell me to put it on.” Lizzy whispers back in response. Fair point but god do I want to punch myself for not just buckling her in myself.
“Kayla!” My mom yells out from the front door of the funeral home as she puts out her cigarette. She then waves her hand to lead me inside. I take Lizzy by the hand and bring her up the carpeted red stairs.
“I actually thought you weren’t showing up for a minute.” My mom awaits me as we enter the dark interior of the funeral home. His matte-black metal casket awaits past the family and all of the aisles. It’s the only thing that I can focus on.
“What the fuck are you wearing? Where is the dress I gave you? I can’t believe this. You show up late and then you show up like this? This is so embarrassing.” My mom whispers through her teeth.
“But Grandma Scarlett, me and mom are match–” My mom shushes Lizzy and it snaps me out of my trance.
“Lizette Anderson. This is a conversation between me and your mother.” She begins to kneel down in front of Lizzy before I step in front of her.
“Don’t do that. Not here. Not now.” I can barely speak without yelling. I feel the rage bubbling in my chest which is only muted with my worry for Lizzy.
My mom stands up straight and adjusts her dress. She nods softly and walks to the front row and sits down. It’s where she always sits at things like this. She did for Dad’s funeral anyway.
I look down at Lizzy and she’s starting to wrap herself around my leg.
“I’m sorry about Grandma Scarlett. I know she can be too much. She knows you like to be called Lizzy, she just must’ve forgotten. Are you okay?”
Lizzy shrugs in response. She slowly lets go of my leg as we get closer to the casket. Brian’s parents, sisters, a few cousins, and grandparents fill up the first two rows. All of their eyes look hollow and tired. They probably didn’t even see me come in.
He looks different. I don’t know what it is. It’s only been a month but it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve last seen him. Maybe it’s just because I can’t see his eyes. Maybe it’s because I can’t see the beauty mark on his cheek because of the makeup. Or maybe it’s his hair. I just hope I’m not forgetting.
“Alright Lizzy, are you ready?” She excitedly nods her head yes and lifts her arms up for me to pick her up. I feel a bead of sweat building on my forehead as I pick her up.
“Hey Dad! I missed you.” As soon as she says that I hear Brian’s mom start to sob. I instinctively start rubbing Lizzy’s back. She keeps poking at Brian’s arm, trying to wake him up.
“Mom, can you wake him up? I know Dad must be really tired because of his work but I want to talk to him.” A hot tear runs down my face before I’m able to stop it. Lizzy wipes my face with her small hands before tilting her head at me.
“Why are you crying?” I place her down on the floor and she starts to move back towards the middle of the funeral home. I can tell she’s so confused and I just don’t know what to say right now.
“Your dad is dead, sweetheart.” My mom pipes up. Adjusting her sleek, long dress as she stands up and walks towards Lizzy. I feel so weak. It’s a miracle I’m still standing let alone speed walking to intercept mom giving Lizzy the talk. I can barely hear what my mom is saying until I’m right next to her.
“I’m so sorry honey. Your dad isn’t waking up. He had a heart attack. It’s something that doesn’t usually happen until you’re older.” My mom places a hand on Lizzy’s shoulder and Lizzy quickly brushes her off.
“No. No, he told me we were going camping again soon. He has to wake up. He has to.” Lizzy begins to cry. Tears violently falling out of her eyes are accompanied by the sound of the casket falling over. I turn around to see Brian’s body standing upright and walking aimlessly.
Brian’s family screams at a body that doesn’t respond. His eyes don’t open. He doesn’t speak. His body is a hollowed shell that is being forced to move against his will. I can’t form words, I can only look at Lizzy as she sobs in the middle of the funeral home.
“Lizzy. Please stop.” My mom follows my eyes towards Lizzy and screams.
“It’s her! It’s Lizette! She did this. I don’t know how but she’s the one doing it.” She points at Lizzy and Lizzy looks up at me. Confusion. Fear. Sadness. I can see all of these emotions with one look.
“SHUT UP. EVERYONE SHUT UP.” The family stops shouting. My mom is still talking under her breath with her back against one of the aisles. As the silence settles, Brian’s body drops. Causing his mom to scream and run up to his body. She begins sobbing again as she cradles his body.
I start walking to Lizzy as calm as I possibly can. My legs and hands are shaking so badly but I need to hug her. I need to tell her that it’s not her fault. Lizzy looks up at me and outstretches her arms as I fall into her lap.
My limbs shrink as Lizzy holds me tighter and tighter. But I can’t feel it. I don’t feel pain right now. All I feel are Lizzy’s tears as they fall onto my cotton skin. I feel my eyes turn hard and beady as I look into her beautiful brown eyes. They look so much brighter when she cries. It used to happen to Brian too. I feel the soft stitchings on my skin as she slowly releases her grip on my stuffed body. She’s less tense and hopefully less sad.
But she’s calmer. She’s okay. Thank god she’s okay.
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